Follow the leader

It looks like my mind has once again recovered and is onto creative endeavors. I'm driven by the ability to create something people enjoy, using my head for something other then pointless ramblings in a basement. I honestly don’t know if im going to tackle a small machinima, create a trailer or write for a long term series but I need to do something to get my mind onto “paper” who uses paper anymore anyway. I know I have other things to get done that im neglecting but I really think that being happy is more important than any else on my plate right now.

Consumed by misguided emotion

Down the hole again. I reach for the walls gripping anything that I can, just trying to hold on…Its no use, the walls are too steep and the hole consumes me. As I fall I realize that this all feels familiar as if I've seen it or have been told about it, the thought is interrupted as I hit the ground. The pain is intense. I almost rather die than experience it any longer but I quickly dismiss the notion. I struggle to my knees.. then to my feet and realize I need to find a way out of this darkening pit. Nothing else seems to matter but the idea of escape, its all that’s on my mind. “The pain needs “to stop “the pain needs to stop” as if nothing else matters. I sit down…tired. Closing my eyes I hope tomorrow will get me out of this hole or at least get me some light…

Where oceans bleed into the sky

I’m not sure why I’m blogging at three in the morning but sitting here waiting for the latest episode of Stargate to download has left we with little very little options. I wish in this post I can discuss all the good in my life but lately the good seems so hard to come by. I seem to be riding a daily emotional roller coaster with no real end in sight. I can however say I'm actively working on a solution to this problem; If one even exists. Who knows it could be my mind blowing things out of proportion…but regardless, i feel how i feel and technicalities wont change that. I’m starting to wonder if people that think the way I do even have a real shot at any kind of happiness…I suppose once I reach a point where I am content with my life I wont struggle to drag myself to school or work while I long for purpose. Hopefully that will be sooner than later.

Reflecting upon Stargate, it seems these people..these characters.. even though they are in life threatening situations daily, live such amazing lives. Adventure, excitement, variety, such strong relationships its no wonder why I watch shows like this and play games like mass effect. They represent the life I wish was possible but sadly just is not..life and death decisions have to be made on a daily basis in shows and games like these, I'm pretty sure the most I have to deal with in my life is worrying about delivering a speech for com 101… It simply just does not live up, perhaps in the relationship area it holds a candle but of course that's another roller coaster for me to ride.

All I really know for sure is something needs to change, things need to be reformed and I myself may need to rethink my standpoints on certain things. At the current rate I don't have much reason to continue the day to day activities we all are so accustomed to. For now it seems I just have to continue pushing through the dismal abyss until I’m shown a way out.

We express the same things but with different words

I walk down the desolate road, a lonely yet comforting feeling engulfs me. Why am I walking? Where am I going? Questions come and go from my mind like the cars passing by on the street. I continue to walk. I find an opening in the forest along the road which seems to call my name, my legs obey the command and bring my body to the clearing. The sky rumbles, clouds begin to blot out the sun but that doesn't stop some rays from pushing through the milky sheen and hitting the ground around me. I trek through the shades of greens and browns only led my my curiosity and intuition. I can sense a opening…an exit…It begins to rain…The ominous sounds of the forest ignite a slight fear in the back of my mind. I continue forward, pushing through the dense greenery. I’m not sure why I don't turn back, the conditions get worse yet I subconsciously press on. Is it my curiosity for what lies ahead? Or my thirst for adventure? I dismiss both questions as I near what seems like an exit…or is it just another illusion…only time will tell.

Bright and early for the daily races; Going nowhere, going nowhere

My eyes snap open startled by the familiar tone, its time to begin yet another day laden with repetitious actions. I struggle to find motive to get out of bed. I lay there…cold almost thoughtless when the only thing keeping me going comes in the form of a text message. I get to my feet… pushing through the bitter chill I walk to the shower which seems to be radiating the alluring promise of warmth. I jump in. Warm droplets of water cascade around my body making their way to the drain where they are seemingly lost forever. I watch them fall into the holes, but no matter how many recede into the drain the continuous stream of water never seems to let up. Breaking from my reverie, I regain track of time and exit the shower to put the day into full motion. With each step I take I deduce that its another I will retrace the following day. The next few hours go as routine, we all are slaves to a system integrated by all knowing and “wiser” individuals. The bell rings, we get up and go, the bell rings again, we don’t question it. Why would we? its a system we are all entranced by, it gives us safety, order and the promise of getting out at the end of the day. It’s in human nature to seek the stable and not to question what gets us through the day semi content. So why should I be any different? What makes me so special? I’m not, I leave my seat when the bell rings just like everyone else simply because there is no other choice, its the way things are ran and like it or not I'm imprisoned just like the rest of them. I don’t mind though…when that bell rings I know I get to see my reason for pushing through it all, the only reason I’m not insane right now. The minutes pass by like seconds and I once again find myself forced to learn about the mundane and the uninteresting. Then the familiar tone sounds once more. I gather my belongings and head forward to the promise of happiness and peace with the one I love. However I know I'll be back…none of us can stop the routine…we are all victims and and we are all participants…some enjoy it, others dread it, all we can do is find a vice to get us through the strenuous day…I found mine…did you find yours?

Seasons Change

I really don’t even know why I'm attempting to write this blog because rationalizing my mindset right now is next to impossible but ill give it a shot…

Lately my life has changed so much that even I lost track as to how it all happened. A few months back I would have never predicted where I would be right now and that's what scares me the most. Life seems like such a linear progression, we all go through the motions of our day to day lives, each day doing things we enjoy to balance out the things we are forced into and often despise. Its a process that we’ve all become accustomed to and its a process that I wanted to break ever since I was a child. A few months ago it seemed like I could take a simple glance around a room and tell you where everyone was headed, life seemed so predictable, so dull…yet through it all I was always “Happy”. Everyday seemed as though I was just trying to get by, passing through life like a blur and not truly enjoying it. I often wondered why I thought this way and why I was so “blissful”.

Things have changed so much since then, and though I remained who I am at my core, my entire mindset has changed and it seems as though meaning was actually brought to my life. Its a weird feeling to describe but its an amazing one. No longer am I looking at the common path that everyone shares through life, or how despite warning we make the same mistakes over and over again. It feels as though I’m drifting away from those questions my mind used to dwell on so often, the questions that sometimes brought me sleepless nights, and moving towards realizing just how amazing life can be. This is a realization that a mere 3 months ago seemed like i would never have. Never would I of thought that such a simple event as meeting a person, would be able to have such an impact on ones life. Even though i still feel that there is no greater meaning to our existence, I can say that without a doubt you can make your own meaning to your own life and in the end that all that really matters, being happy with who you are and who you influence.

Focusing on the here and now, my mind tries to sort though everything that happened to me recently and I come up with the same reoccurring thought... it feels like I might have found what it means to be truly happy and not just the ignorant blissfully stupor I was in months ago. This is a feeling that it quite comforting and reassures me for my future. A future that once seemed so predictable, but now…anything seems possible.

“What the hell is that kid doing?”

Another day another chance to make people stare with puzzlement as I attempt flips and kong tables…good times…Anyway i woke up late today (as always) to find out that my cousins are over my house and in my pool for what was a surprise visit to me, i always seem to be out of the family loop. After working a bit and brainstorming ideas i decided to go for a run a bit earlier then i normally do. It must of been the music i was listening to because after about 2 hours of parkour at my local park and 1 hour of pure running  i was still out and about and looking for more. I guess it could of also been the fact that it was pretty stormy today,  I enjoy it a lot, looking up at the violent sky with the wind nearly screwing up my jumps, its much better than 90 degree weather with sun beating down relentlessly in my opinion. Anyway it got too dark to even see more than 10 feet so i headed home free running the whole way, it was a lot of fun but i was kind of annoyed that i forgot to head over to my friends house for a surprise visit but i was hot, tired and needed a shower but lets stop there. Now I'm home and thinking about making a video to a song i just found but my friend Louie wants to use my idea for said video in “Fluffy Bunny” so i guess i wont waste it on a random movie about nothing. Also I'm having thoughts about bringing back the widely loved “Game Nights” i used to host on Halo 3, they were good times except for when it lagged but i might rethink and relaunch them.  So yeah nothing to eventful today but overall a fun day. Now i will leave you with your thoughts and this interesting fellow showing you how to get laid. You can buy the T-Shirt  here. I expect money for this shameless advertising BustedTees. Crap! I did it again!